i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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