This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
