I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
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