I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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