U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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