Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
