he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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