So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
