Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
