Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
