I just saw a hot homeless man
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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