Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
