New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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