Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
