Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
