The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
