Your tits are I can't wait for
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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