Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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