theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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