I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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