I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
