Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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