it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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