I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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