Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
