I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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