Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
