I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
