1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
