i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Two words: blizzard sex
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
