I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
