The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.