So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
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Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
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I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.