i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword