So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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