I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
