Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
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I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
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My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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