omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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