I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Drunk is not a location!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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