My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
