Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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