Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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