Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
