Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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