I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
