I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
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I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
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Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.