actually, I'm a sock model
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
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I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
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Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low