I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
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He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
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She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store