Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
