I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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