well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
