Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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