I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
