Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
