I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
