when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The ass gains better be worth it
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