Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
