She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
