i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
