he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
