Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
