My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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