So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
