smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
