May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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