Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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