I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
